Things that make you go hmmm....

Current mood:contemplative

So, James Dean rolled around today, picking up the phone to say hello and tell me he was profusely sorry. I'm not sure for what, however. It's really not my life that he sincerely f'ed up, my life will continue on unchanged. I mean my cell phone bill will take a bit to straighten out, but that's not anything I can't handle. Otherwise, I'm fairly unscathed. Aside from a few emotional wounds, that I cared not to inflict upon myself or Lou, I'd say we walked away without so much as a scrap...What he did to us isn't anything when you look at the proverbial bigger picture. But what I had to witness him doing to himself, now that is what crushed me. It was almost unbearable actually. For what little time I had to endure it. I don't think he seems to understand that though. That's the sad part. He doesn't realize that it hurts me more to see what he's doing to himself, and that's where my anger and frustrations come from, than it does to see him do what he's doing to me - because that's A. to be expected because he's a man - even though it's still painful because I expected more from him. and B. He's always treated himself with this self-loathing and disdain, and he's always resented me for pointing out he had more potential than he gives himself credit for...and his choices prevent him from living up to it. I should know I walked a few miles in those shoes :-p My one blog reader should know that ;-) - that is if even she is still reading my blog lol!Anyway - I lost my white horse nonetheless but through no choice but his own. However I can't stick around and wait another 15 years until he gets his head out of his butt to figure out how to function in the relationship we have both always wanted...So I give up...the saying always goes, if it was meant to be it will be...and after 20 years it hasn't been yet and he just totally screwed it up this royally because he was so terrified of normalcy then...yeah - I guess I can be a friend, but I'm at arms length because I have to be, not because I want to be. Hmmm - who does this remind me of????? LMAO!! :-p